I wish I could punch you in the face.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
