He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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