bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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