Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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