Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
