i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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