Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
