The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
