Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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