SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
