the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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