I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
