Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
