on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
