Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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