I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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