after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
