just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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