cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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