I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
