that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
