when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
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Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
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I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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