I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
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An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
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Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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