Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
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He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just found puke in my bra..
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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