you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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