Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
