i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
