I wish my penis had an off switch
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
