Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
