here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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