i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
