Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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