I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
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In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
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So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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