Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
