i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
