My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??