apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
