wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Randomize
