the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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