You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
