Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
