when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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