I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
