I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
