nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Rumble strips road head = magical
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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