You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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