So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
