I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Randomize
