I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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