i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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