I'm so fucking centered right now
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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