there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
