If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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