I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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