if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
