I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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