Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
